Blessings in Disguise

      Have you ever experienced a period in your life that leaves you thinking I am not just feeling tired, tired has become a part of personality? For college students the infamous dead or final weeks likely come to mind. Regardless of age or background, we all have periods of our lives that are completely mentally and physically draining. These are usually quite short-lived and after a few days of recovery energy levels are renewed and we can go about our daily lives.
   I have experienced high levels of fatigue since my freshmen year of high school- for about five years now. I came down with mono my freshmen year of high school. After about a year and a half of continual doctor's visits I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder. The name itself is enough to make one's skin crawl, but I have a fairly mild case. Basically I have to manage my stress levels, attempt to maintain a regular sleep schedule and take care of my body. It's something I will live with for the rest of my life, as there is no "cure", but it is fairly manageable.

The aspect that I have yet to come to terms with- five years in the making- is the feeling of lack of control of my own body and my life. I have not discovered my "triggers", obviously I am a wee stressed out; as a college student that's a given. I go through periods of highs and lows. Sometimes I can expect an illness to come on. Other times I feel great for months on end, and then wake up feeling like I have been hit by a full size pickup; repeatedly. Recently, I was wondering if it was possible that the disorder had left the building. I went almost two entire years without the majority of my symptoms. But as of the last two months, I have experienced two different instances that left me feeling miserable.

Try as I might it's not the easiest to go about my daily life, as if I am any other 20 year college student. Fatigue often leaves me feeling as though I am a shell of myself. There are stigmatizing aspects of chronic illnesses, as they say you are your worse critic and that is certainly true in my case. There are times that I would rather crawl into a hole than go about my daily life. I shut friends and loved ones out, because I feel as though I am undeserving of their love and attention. I don't know if I will ever reach a point in my life where I feel capable of claiming the disorder that has slightly taken over my life.

I can thank the disorder for one positive aspect of my daily life; each day I attempt to maintain a positive outlook and refuse to let small inconveniences or small problems ruin my day and take the smile off of my face. I have learned to enjoy and appreciate the little things of each day. This week we had two days of beautiful weather, in the middle of a NE winter, and It was absolutely wonderful to feel the sun on my shoulders. I love to laugh, and take every advantage to let a giggle out. 

I suppose I should explain the purpose behind this post, so you don't view as senseless rambling. I am a firm believer in finding my scars as battle wounds, I lovingly refer to them as my "tiger stripes". Each scar has literally shaped me into the young woman I am today. It is the same person who has the incanny ability to makes others smile and laugh on their roughest days, offer a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on; and one day it will be the very person who some lucky soul finds themselves falling for. These little moments make me cherish the rocky roads, tear filled eyes, and at times utter frustration.