An open letter to those who have rejected me

At the ripe age of twenty I've experienced my fair share of heartbreak and disappointments. I'm an open book and wear my heart on my sleeve, which invites many characters to waltz on by, give false hope, and drop the crumbled pieces off right where they found me. This leaves me wondering where I went wrong, why wasn't I good enough? 

 The truth is I am good enough. I'm just not what you were looking for or needed at this point in your life. I didn't come on too strong, and I meant every single word I said. Every time I looked into your eyes, and you saw the raw and honest truth shining back at you. I meant every touch, every glance every laugh, everything. You led me to believe you meant yours too, and maybe you did at the time- but your feelings faded quickly away while mine lingered. 

  Maybe my flaw is falling too quickly, trusting you with my heart before you showed your true colors. Looking back, I don't regret any of the moments we spent together. It hurts, thinking of the good times, and knowing that it wasn't enough to make you stay. I truly hope you find your happiness, wherever and whoever it lies in. But it hurts knowing that I will not be the one to provide that happiness. I saw you in my future, but now I know that I was not intended to be a part of yours.

  I'm not writing this out of bitterness, or to lash out at you for choosing a different path. I need to clear my head and my heart of your presence. Every experience, moment of happiness and heartbreak has placed me on the path I currently walk on. I have faith that eventually, in time, someone will stumble onto my path and have the same intentions and feelings as I do. Until then I'll continue to laugh, smile, and enjoy the life in front of me. 

Blessings in Disguise

      Have you ever experienced a period in your life that leaves you thinking I am not just feeling tired, tired has become a part of personality? For college students the infamous dead or final weeks likely come to mind. Regardless of age or background, we all have periods of our lives that are completely mentally and physically draining. These are usually quite short-lived and after a few days of recovery energy levels are renewed and we can go about our daily lives.
   I have experienced high levels of fatigue since my freshmen year of high school- for about five years now. I came down with mono my freshmen year of high school. After about a year and a half of continual doctor's visits I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder. The name itself is enough to make one's skin crawl, but I have a fairly mild case. Basically I have to manage my stress levels, attempt to maintain a regular sleep schedule and take care of my body. It's something I will live with for the rest of my life, as there is no "cure", but it is fairly manageable.

The aspect that I have yet to come to terms with- five years in the making- is the feeling of lack of control of my own body and my life. I have not discovered my "triggers", obviously I am a wee stressed out; as a college student that's a given. I go through periods of highs and lows. Sometimes I can expect an illness to come on. Other times I feel great for months on end, and then wake up feeling like I have been hit by a full size pickup; repeatedly. Recently, I was wondering if it was possible that the disorder had left the building. I went almost two entire years without the majority of my symptoms. But as of the last two months, I have experienced two different instances that left me feeling miserable.

Try as I might it's not the easiest to go about my daily life, as if I am any other 20 year college student. Fatigue often leaves me feeling as though I am a shell of myself. There are stigmatizing aspects of chronic illnesses, as they say you are your worse critic and that is certainly true in my case. There are times that I would rather crawl into a hole than go about my daily life. I shut friends and loved ones out, because I feel as though I am undeserving of their love and attention. I don't know if I will ever reach a point in my life where I feel capable of claiming the disorder that has slightly taken over my life.

I can thank the disorder for one positive aspect of my daily life; each day I attempt to maintain a positive outlook and refuse to let small inconveniences or small problems ruin my day and take the smile off of my face. I have learned to enjoy and appreciate the little things of each day. This week we had two days of beautiful weather, in the middle of a NE winter, and It was absolutely wonderful to feel the sun on my shoulders. I love to laugh, and take every advantage to let a giggle out. 

I suppose I should explain the purpose behind this post, so you don't view as senseless rambling. I am a firm believer in finding my scars as battle wounds, I lovingly refer to them as my "tiger stripes". Each scar has literally shaped me into the young woman I am today. It is the same person who has the incanny ability to makes others smile and laugh on their roughest days, offer a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on; and one day it will be the very person who some lucky soul finds themselves falling for. These little moments make me cherish the rocky roads, tear filled eyes, and at times utter frustration.

The Pursuit of Happiness: my New Year's Resolution

The new year introduces a sense of a: fresh start, new beginning, clean slate. “New year new me” is splashed across social media outlets. You will overhear typical discussions about “New years resolutions”, I’ve never been a fan of this age old practice. I find myself at a loss of which resolutions to declare and tackle. This year I continued my own practice of not setting a single New Year’s Resolution. I’m sure the average reader will pin me as a typical lazy college student. However, I am far more ambitious than the typical college student. During the school year I am a Resident Assistant for the University I attend, a sister in the AOII sorority, avid volunteer, Music Education/ English student, and at the end of the day I am only human. I stretch myself too thing, I am very much a “Yes Man” and people pleaser.

In a sense I have made a single New Years’s Resolution, do what makes me happy. Sounds simple, but all too often I put my own life, ambitions, aspirations on the back burner; in order to be what others need of or from me. In 2015 I resolve to take time to laugh, take time for myself, place my academics as a top priority. These all appear to be individual resolutions, but these create the environment  I experience the greatest success and happiness in.  I also resolve to never let a single day pass without letting at least one person in my life know how much I love and appreciate their presence and influence in my life. This is far easier said than done, and it will take daily effort as it takes 21 days to create a new habit.

This year, rather than flocking to the gym to try the latest diet trend, or any other resolution easily abandoned a few weeks into the new year. I challenge you to resolve you to place yourself, your hopes, ambitions, loves ahead of what you believe others expect from you. This is not the opportunity to shirk  work or other responsibilities based on one blogger's  suggestion. This is the opportunity to use 2015 as the year to experience the happiest and most successful  year of your life; at least until next year.